Filed under: douche baggery | Tags: alexis, eric dane, kissing, mcdreamy, men, new zealander, player, relationships, yacht
Read part one: Asshole of the year
I have done the walk of shame many-a-time… but the run of shame? Never happened before tonight.
Oh you cunning little New Zealander, you. How the hell did you convince me to stay?
I was not about to be left alone with the player New Zealander after his roommate went to bed, so I decided to go home. New Zealander had to escort me back up the dock to free me from the locked gate. We made small talk which was nice. After all, I was trying to be his “friend”.
He fidgeted with the lock, thus encouraging more conversation. By the time we got through the gate, our conversation had taken a deadly turn into personal sharing and emotional story time. It was no longer about work, weather, rainbows, and various topics acceptable to discuss with strangers in awkward social situations. He shifted the tone into loneliness, his Alaskan girlfriend, hopes and whimsical dreams. Shit. How did it get so far so fast? I was just trying to be pleasant.
Ten feet away from my car. I was ten feet away from freedom and almost released from the obligatorily numbing pleasantry exchange. But no, of course the conversation took a nose dive for the worse:
New Zealander: Yeah, this job can be lonely sometimes when you move around all the time
Me: If you are lonely, fix it. I don’t buy the whole shit theory that your job makes you lonely. If you miss your girlfriend who just went to Boston, go visit her. Okay. Well…have a good night. I’m sure everything will work out.
Attempt to exit stage left.
New Zealender cue tears.
Me (aside): Fuck me sideways. He’s crying? He’s fucking crying? I’m so fucking close to my car I could touch it and he’s CRYING? Damn this shit night will be longer than I had hoped.
He literally cried. Wept. Man, this player is fucking good because I fell for it. He cried! Everyone has a weakness and mine just happens to be tears. When I see eye ducts flowing freely with beads of saline and emotion, I want to fix it.
Tears streaming down his face, he started to explain his “situation.” He was lonely. He wasn’t sure he liked the job. He doesn’t want to work and travel all the time…sob.
I did my best to be a friend. And I thought I was doing a damn fine job. It was now 3:30 am and cold outside.
We sat outside talking at the gate until about 4am, when we decided to go sit on the warm little boat and finish our talking. By this time I was hooked. This “poor” guy was so broken. I actually, legitimately felt bad for him.
He grabbed a sweatshirt for me from the “big yacht” and then we went to go sit on the 30-footer, or small yacht. He laid out on the bed and I sat on a chair on the bed so we could finish talking. I prided myself on being JUST A FRIEND. I did not want to date or hook up with him in anyway, I still knew he was an asshole.
I kept thinking as I sat there “please don’t fall for me right now, please don’t fall for me right now.” I knew he would. I have some sort of a weird power with my eyes that when used properly I can totally seduce men with the blazing blues. (*note: New Zealander later told his roommate that my eyes were what made him do it.)
As he gazed into my eyes, he started saying shit. “You are an amazing person.” “This feels really right.” “You are very beautiful you know that.” To which I responded, “yeah I know I am thanks.”
I kept saying to him over and over “I will be a really good FRIEND to you.” It didn’t work.
Next thing I knew he was kissing me. I let it happen for a second and then pulled away thinking ‘please think this is a mistake and don’t do it again.’ I really wanted him to not kiss me. I knew I had no control over the situation. If he kissed me, I’d definitely kiss him. Why? Because kissing is my most favorite pastime and he’s hot. So I was just hoping he would have realized it was a mistake. But he didn’t.
He pulled me up to the bed where we continued making out until 6:30am!!! I totally KNEW BETTER! WTF. I totally fell for all his lines and I knew it was such a bad idea to do that. Good news is I didn’t sleep with him.
I do have to admit, it was super fun making out with the hot New Zealander. But what followed, was utter humiliation. At 6:30am I said it was time to go home so we got off the boat. Oh! Wait! Here is a fun side note: we weren’t supposed to be on that boat and his boss was awake now. Awesome. I was shuttled back onto the small boat to wait. We had to WAIT until the boss went to bed and stopped watching the cameras. New Zealander went onto the big yacht to watch his boss and communicate with me via phone as to when I could get off the boat. Talk about humiliation.
A call around 8am told me to RUN! The boss had gone to the bathroom and I had to literally run down the dock. After sitting alone on the small boat for an hour and a half. I was pissed. I knew I’d never hear from New Zealander after that. I knew it was a bad idea. I don’t regret it, because it was fun. Plus New Zealander was quite attractive with his seducing accent, a strong jaw resembling Eric Dane’s and McDreamy eyes… But still, I would like a little revenge for having to do the run of shame.
-Alexis Patron
Filed under: douche baggery | Tags: Alaska, alcohol, alexis, asshole, dating, New Zealand, roommate, yacht
Not too often do you get to award this reward to someone. But I found a man deserving of the title “Asshole of the year.”
The sad part is… I fell for it.
It all starts in the spring: My date with a kiwi.
He was sweet, worldly, entertaining, had a beautiful accent and liked country music. That to me = perfection! Except for the part that he worked on a yacht and only spent a few months here and there.
We went on a few dates, had a wonderful time and then he left for Alaska. He was in Alaska for two months. Of which during this time he emailed/texted me often. Naturally I thought he was interested and therefore I was excited for his return in September.
This man told me over and over how excited he was to see me and couldn’t wait to hang out… blah blah blah. I am usually smarter than that. I never fall for these types of lines. But for some reason they seemed to be true when they were spewing out of a New Zealander’s mouth. Lies. All lies.
September arrived. He visited me at work the day before his birthday. Everything seemed to be as it was two months ago. He said he had no plans for this birthday so I told him I would go out with him if he wanted. He said yes and that he would call me the next day.
No call.
I didn’t hear from New Zealander for three weeks. By that time I had gotten the picture of course that he wasn’t into me. I never called/emailed/texted him. I figured if he wanted me, he’d find me.
After three weeks went by his roommate stopped in where I bartend to visit me. Roommate and I had been good friends, so I was curious as to why I hadn’t seen him in three weeks either. He apologized and said he just didn’t want to feel uncomfortable around me “after all that happened.” What all happened??!! I went on a few dates with New Zealander and didn’t hear from him again. It’s not a big deal. It’s not rocket science. He’s just not that into me. I accepted that. What’s worse is the rest of the information I found out from Roommate. He was drunk and ended up spilling info on the New Zealander that he later regretted he told me.
Here’s what I found out:
-New Zealander=asshole
-He has a girlfriend in every port
-He wanted to make me his girlfriend in this port
-His girlfriend from Alaska just “showed up” and ruined his plan to do the preceding
-He was going to get rid of Alaska girl and then call me
I told the roommate that he could go ahead and tell the New Zealander that he never has to call me. I’m not interested in being one of his “girlfriends.”
Once we settled the fact that I’d never date an asshole like New Zealander, Roommate and I decided we should all be friends. So he calls New Zealander and tells him to come to the bar… with his Alaska girlfriend. That was fun/awkward.
So all was well. Hung out with New Zealander as a friend, with his girlfriend and all was well. That was Wednesday. Friday the girlfriend moved to Boston, all wasn’t well.
I was totally content being his friend. Until Saturday.
New Zealander and his roommate came into the bar on Saturday to salsa-it-up. They stayed the whole night. And consequently got a tid bit drunk. Roommate asked me if I wanted to hang out with them when I got off work at 2:30am. They wanted to go have a drink on their small boat (not the actual big yacht.) I said sure, you know, “since we were all friends.”
As we walk down the dock to the boat, Roommate pulls a fast one. He said he was tired and was going to bed. Smooth. I think he felt bad talking shit about his friend so he was trying to make it up by putting us together. Wow.
I said, no fucking way, and I decided to go home.
Or did I? Stay tuned…
Part two: Get ready…. RUN!!!
-Alexis Patron
