I’m “Catholic.” I use quotes because I don’t go to church anymore and usually only think about god as I board a plane. I have broken seven of the Ten Commandments and all the Deadly Sins. Multiple times. I’m likely to be a repeat offender as well.

Completely oblivious of the basics of Lent (example: it ends on Easter and lasts forty days, who knew?), Alexis got me up to speed. Call that religiously ignorant, but I’ve never actually given something up long enough to celebrate the big Easter finale. Since I graduated from a religious university and used to attend church every Sunday for the first sixteen years of my life, I feel compelled to give Lent a solid effort this year.

So, in honor of whatever Jesus did to spawn this liturgical season of miserable fasting, I’m ending the only relationship that has ever been good to me, breaking up with the only boyfriend who has never let me down: I’m giving up alcohol for forty days and forty god-damn-long-ass nights.

Fuck me, just writing that hurts.

You may be thinking to yourself, “How pathetic. She can’t give up booze for a little over a month?” But it’s not that simple. This effectively ruins many important parts of my life: socializing with friends, dating and sex life, and will almost guarantee a broken promise of a threesome by the end of March I made to a friend of mine. I don’t like breaking promises.

Let’s be honest, I only have a few more years left of acting like a complete asshole with no responsibility. It’s only a matter of time before I either have to start paying off those college loans or get knocked up. Nine months of sobriety? No thank you, I’ll adopt.

Going sober for forty days right now is huge. I dare you to find a handful of 24 year olds willing to even try.

On the other hand though, I’m going to try and be positive about this decision. Less time spent at bars inevitably means more time spent at the gym. I’ll probably read a few more books than normal. Maybe I can even learn a new language, or feed the homeless or some shit. A personal alcohol detox will be a good thing. At the very least, I can look back one day and tell my kids about Mommy’s forty days of sobriety. It will be a very, very good thing.

Rrrrrrrrrrright.

See you in forty days.

I’m already imagining myself weeping in the back of my closet while suckling on an alcohol-free O’Douls one lonely Saturday night.

-Anastasia “Sober” Beam

ps Alexis is giving up caffiene, so it’s safe to say we won’t be talking for the next few days.