I don’t know what it is about the state of Wisconsin, but damn, everyone I’ve ever met from Wisconsin knows how to drink. These are the big leaguers. If you think you know how to drink, take a little visit to the cheese state and see how you fare.

I wasn’t born in Wisconsin, but I lived there for 10 years growing up. So I have some Wisconsin blood. If I had been born there, it’d be different. Granted my first foods were beer, brats, brandy and cheese and I bleed green and gold, but I can’t drink like a Wisconsinite. I’m like ¾ Wisconsinite – which means I’m still in the Minors.

True Wisconsinites were drinking beer in their baby bottles and sippin’ brandy during the teething phase. So needless to say, even though I spent my formative years in the cheese state, true Wisconsinites will kick my ass when it comes to drinking competitions. So that is why my liver can only handle a trip to Wisconsin every two years. This year I went to Wisconsin twice and the liver is angry.

My first trip to Wisconsin was to my old home town, where I grew up. I hadn’t been “home” in five years, which was a super long time for me. After I moved in high school, I made it back there about every year. It had been so long since I’d seen all my friends from growing up.

I went back in August for a friend’s wedding weekend. It was like I never left, I love that place. And the people, they are just wonderful. I love everyone in Wisconsin. They are my people and I feel at home with them.

But when the drinking starts… it is a freaking shit show.

I have to take a quick second to apologize to Anastasia. She got the unfortunate call that drunkenly told her that I fell down, was bleeding, was out in the country somewhere, didn’t know where I was and just got punched in the face. Then my phone died. So when Anastasia got this call in the morning she panicked, thought I was dead in a ditch somewhere. Her message was panicked. I never have my phone off so she was a little worried. Especially since I couldn’t call her until 4pm the next day! Sorry about that buddy.

I arrived on a Thursday. My best friend growing up picked me up from the airport and drove us to town where we headed straight to the bar. We didn’t even go to her house to drop my stuff off. We started “light” by just drinking beers. We had dinner with her parents and then the hard core shit started.

Shots started flowing around 7pm. As we were sitting at the bar, my best friend’s, let’s call her Shayla, brother showed up. He is two years younger than us and I always kind of found him dorky when we were growing up. Well someone grew up nicely. David strolled into the bar, looking tall and hot. Oh shit. I looked at him and felt defeated. I knew I was going to make out with him and that Shayla would freak out. But I couldn’t help it, he grew up good!

We moved onto another bar after a couple of hours, where I ran into EVERYONE I knew. Love these people. Of course, immense drinking continued.

At one point I end up making out with Shayla’s brother, David, at the bar. Apparently we weren’t sneaky because she walks up, laughs and says “what the fuck!” She was cool with it, but I felt awkward. Not enough to stop making out with the hot baby brother though!

Things sort of went dark after that. The next think I remember is being sprawled out on the sidewalk. Then darkness. Apparently I exited the bar oh-so-gracefully. I tripped coming out of the bar and skidded on my arms across the pavement. I have a nasty scar, but the good news is, I didn’t feel a thing!

I came out of my drunk coma when we arrived at our other friends house. Not sure how we got there, but she lives way out in the country. [Side note: At some point in the evening we agreed to go tubing the next morning at 9am] A bunch of friends came over to the house we were at and we had a semi reunion. We continued the drinking by playing drinking games.

At one point we played truth or dare. I took my shirt off. Yep. Then I had to kiss someone. Couldn’t tell you who it was. Apparently kissing this person angered my friend’s brother and then we had to go outside and “talk.” He punched me. In the face. No joke. I think it was a semi-accident/playful punch, but I had a fat lip the next day. After the hitting incident, we made out some more and then I had to stop because my lip hurt. My drunk reaction time was way slowed down, because it took me a very long time to get angry about the punching. So I stormed off and went to make out with some other friend who had been hitting on me.

BAD IDEA.

The second guy I made out with probably hasn’t ever had a girlfriend. Because he fell IN LOVE with me. I looked at my text messages the next day and they were super creepy stalker type. I had apparently ditched him post-make out and he flipped, called me a bitch, told me I broke his heart and that he couldn’t believe what I had done.

Fuck, I can’t handle Wisconsin.

Stalker then continued to text me that he loved me, he was sorry… blah blah blah. My phone had died and when I finally got to turn my phone on the next day, I had 23 text messages from my stalker friend.

Twenty three.

More blacking out ensued after my second make out and taking off my shirt for the group. I was blessed with two beautiful gifts, sometimes I feel like I have to share them.

I remember the end of the evening quite well. We decided to all watch a movie. I was sitting next to my super hot friend, let’s call him Dan, and we were watching the movie. At some point I must have passed out on Dan’s shoulder, because when I gained consciousness, Stalker had replaced Dan and was laying on me. CREEPY! I immediately got up, looked for Dan and found him on a mattress behind the couch. I asked him if I could sleep next to him, he said yes and then he spooned me for the rest of the night. It was beautiful. Dan is so hot and sweet, man I love him. It was a very sweet cuddling session all night.

WOAH headache. Once again Wisconsin kicked my ass. I thought I was dying when I was woken up at 9am. We were late. Shayla and I were supposed to be meeting her brother (who had left the house and went back to their house sometime that night) and some of her brother’s friends to go tubing. Ooops. Shayla’s brother’s friend, lets call him Craig, showed up at the house to pick us up. I knew Craig from way back when so it was fun seeing him. He was pissed. Apparently David was still awake from the night before and he was shithoused, so Craig had to come pick Shayla and I up for the tubing event.

That was only day one… keep posted for the rest of the Wisconsin shit show event.

-Alexis Patron