Filed under: douche baggery | Tags: alcohol, alexis, anastasia, boyfriends, commitment, dating, friendship, green bay packers, kissing, new york city, rangers, relationships
I do not scare easily. Spiders gross me out, but I can handle them if need be. Love heights- flying is like home to me. But throw that “commitment” word around and I bolt faster than a shot fired from a gun. There will be an Alexis-sized hole through the nearest wall.
My horoscope characteristics: a nagging need to feel free (which can lead to trouble), fears responsibility, impatient, a risk taker and gambler at heart, argumentative and has a lack of commitment. Soooo very true.
So when someone tells me they want to enter a committed relationship, I freak out. Especially if I don’t see it coming. Now you know why I haven’t had a boyfriend in the last eight years. There were some events that triggered this fear, but that’s a much longer story best saved for a therapist.
Well, when I went to visit Anastasia, not only did I have a wonderful time with her, but I also was put into a “scary” situation. A man told me he was “head over heels crazy about me.” Fuck that makes me shudder even now.
I knew a lot of people from this bar I used to work at in NYC, one of which I had gone on a date with about two years ago. Billy is a super nice person and I enjoyed his friendship a lot. But dating? Yeah, not so good of a time. He just wasn’t for me. I was in my “nice guys finish last phase,” where I only dated horrible men. So, Billy, he would never have worked out. I ended up avoiding him until I moved.
Since being away from Billy, we were able to establish a pretty sweet friendship. We have a playful football rivalry (Packers v. Giants) so we tend to talk a lot during football season. Finally I decided to go back for a visit (to visit Anastasia) and I ended up mentioning this to Billy. He got excited and told me he’d take me to a Rangers hockey game while I was there. This excited me because I wanted to see the old gang.
In the weeks leading up to my visit, Billy and I had begun talking a lot. Even to the point that I may have developed a slight crush on the guy. It was a I-like-you-only-because-you-live-far-away kind of crush. But who knows. Maybe, since I’m now 25, I am mature enough for a relationship? So I was excited to see him and therefore told him so.
Things turned sour fast. Our flirtation turned into “I’ll do anything to be with you,” in zero-60. It was bad. It didn’t help that I got hammered at the game and ended up making out with him. My bad. In my defense I didn’t know it’d lead to the following text conversation that happened the day after the game.
Billy: There’s something I wanna tell you when I get home tonight
Me: Um OK that makes me nervous
Billy: Haha don’t be. It’s nothing bad. Just something I’ve wanted to say for awhile.
Me: I hate waiting
Billy: I promise it’ll be worth the wait.
Me: Just give me a hint
Billy: It has to do w/how I feel about you but I’m a little nervous to say it
Me: That’s what I thought
Billy: I’m just gonna say it now… I’m head over heels crazy about you
Billy: You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever had the honor of meeting
Billy: Honestly, I want to do whatever it takes to be w/you even if it means packing up and moving out to where you are
Billy: I mean it. I want you in my life no matter what it takes
Billy: I love being near you. I miss you so much and I wish I had you in my arms right now
Ah, ah, ah… cue hyperventilating. Yikes. What the fuck happened. I know I’m a damn fine kisser, but holy shit, I did not see that one coming. I had to squash this shit quick.
The texting continued for the rest of the weekend that I was visiting Anastasia. He said more things like “I want to protect you,” and other creepy shit like that. I had to agree to meet with him on Sunday in order to “discuss” what we were going to do.
Sunday rolls around and I really didn’t want to go, but I felt it necessary. I go to meet him to watch a football game somewhere downtown. When he sees me, he immediately goes in for the kiss. I turn my cheek. He tries again. I turn my cheek again. HE FUCKING TRIES AGAIN. Yes, he really did for a third time. That last time I finally just pulled away. That shit wasn’t happening. Then he goes for the hand holding. There is nothing that scares me more than public displays of affection… but I felt bad. This man was going to cry if I didn’t do something.
We end up walking around for almost an hour trying to find a bar. It was rainy and gross. Did not help the situation. We finally found a bar. We sat down and took off our coats. He was wearing the EXACT same outfit as me. Son of a bitch. I AM THE PACKER FAN, NOT HIM. But to impress me he decided he would wear a Packer shirt. Fuck, I had decided to wear mine as well, in remorse of the fact that the Packers were out of the playoffs. Never thought he’d wear a GB shirt as well, especially since he’s a Giants fan. We looked like morons.
As soon as we sat down he said: I just want you to know that I’m serious, I’d do anything to be with you, even if that meant moving.
My response? - Oh… uh that’s not necessary.
In the next two hours I proceeded to tell him that I didn’t want to date him, didn’t want him to move, that I’m a tad bit crazy, that I sort of married my yoga teacher in Bali… and so much more. Nothing scared him. My goodness, all you have to say to me is the “C” word and I’m scared out of my mind. Shit son. He’s like Earnest on steroids. Where do I find these men? It didn’t end well; I think he thinks we are getting married next month… I didn’t want to crush his soul so I tried to be nice. I’ll have to go for a more drastic tactic next time. Anastasia saved me half way through the “date.” Our code text was “I hate Brett Favre.” Which was appropriate because I was watching the Vikings game. She called and said I had to meet her sooner rather than later so we could go to a dinner party. I made Billy leave the bar shortly after.
He walked me to my train, kissed me, and I ran for my life, slightly fearing he may have gotten on my train in a different car. Yikes.
-Alexis Patron
Filed under: alcohol | Tags: alcohol, alexis, anastasia, new york city, rangers, reunion
I just wanted to inform you all that I leave tomorrow to go visit Anastasia. It is going to be epic. It is her 25th birthday weekend and we haven’t seen each other in over a year. Craziness for sure will happen. We probably will be too drunk to post for the rest of the week, but we will share our stories with you next week after the hangover subsides!
A little preview: Thursday will be a Ranger hockey game at MSG = lots of drinking
Friday: Anastasia’s big birthday! = lots of drinking
And well you can guess the rest of the weekend. The weekend will also include the bottle of Bombay Sapphire that she owes me for being celibate for six months. It was a bet we made last February after I had been a little “too slutty” for about a year. So she bet me I couldn’t go six months…. it’s been eleven. Yep, I’m still celibate. Strange for me! Anyways, I’m sure there will be more than one bottle of Sapphire at this reunion.
We will be sure to fill you in next week!
And, Happy Birthday to Anastasia!
-Love, Alexis
Filed under: alcohol, birds and bees | Tags: alcohol, alexis, eric dane, men, patrick dempsey, rangers, sex, tequila, women
When I start drinking tequila, not only do I do the dance to “Hot in Here,” but it makes most men go from zero to Patrick Dempsey in under three shots.
Mmmm
Enter Baldy McMan Boobs (BMMB.)
In a confused, homesick, alcoholic, overweight, unhappy, challenging stage in my life, I met a man. Oddly enough this won’t be the last time I find a totally under-qualified man to aid me through my discontent with a new move… my second post-move/disaster strikes/alcoholic stage, man-child who aided me through unhappiness I will write about soon and he was much, much worse than BMMB.
Shortly after moving to NYC I found a job in a bar. Not just any bar, but a bar that was so dangerously teetering on the edges of hell, I thought for sure they were going to push me in. The nasty bitch of a bar manager was Satan’s cheap whore herself. She was horrifying. After starting work at this bar, the tequila connoisseur in me started to blossom. Tres Generaciones Anejo, that’s my stuff. Like a bee to a flower, that shit was my nectar. My alcohol problem didn’t take off until about January though and this was only October, so I was just a blossoming alcoholic when I met BMMB.
Working right next to Madison Square Garden, we would get in a lot of Ranger fans. One particular night, my first night not actually training, a young man comes and sits at the bar before the game. He was funny and charming, not entirely cute, but his charm won him some points. I wasn’t drinking yet, so he was average looking, sort of chubby, whatever I didn’t pay much attention, he lived in Connecticut, enough said. Once the tequila began slowing to work it’s way into my blood stream, Connecticut turned into Paris, BMMB’s double chin turned into Eric Dane’s strong jaw, a car salesman turned into a corporate lawyer… it all sounded good. Which must have been what prompted me to say yes to joining him for a hockey game in another state.
even better
I really wish he had turned out to be Eric Dane.
Apparently it didn’t matter that I didn’t like hockey, nor did it matter that BMMB could be a crazy person that would leave me in an alley somewhere in Connecticut, I was game.
I should have known it was going to be a bad idea when I didn’t tell any of my friends that I was going to Connecticut for a weekend. BMMB and I talked/texted every day since I met him, so I was starting to get interested and I was totally excited to go to CT. The first weekend that I went was kind of fun. Granted I was remembering a hot, intelligent, lawyer, and when I got to CT and saw the receding hairline, man boobs, car salesman, I was a little disappointed. Good thing I had prepped ahead of time and got shitfaced on the train on my way there.
I called Anastasia while in CT and she judged me horrendously, but the weekend turned out pretty well. The next time I saw BMMB was in Long Island for another hockey game. This continued for a few weeks.
Side note: I had just met Anastasia, so the fact that she continued our friendship after the BMMB fiasco amazes me. Typically you show someone all your good cards upfront, you put your best foot forward, but with Anastasia… I laid it all out there. Within the first month she met the alcoholic side, the poor judgment in men side, the bitchy side, the total neglect of advice from friends side… basically she met the drunk bitch whore Alexis.
Anyways, during our budding friendship we both had full-time jobs so didn’t get to hang out much except on weekends, but I was spending mine in CT. Being the crazy, persuasive, pushy and kinda mean gal that she is, she proposed multiple arguments as to why I shouldn’t go to CT one weekend. She even put our friendship on the line, saying we wouldn’t be friends if I went. I’m stubborn and when I set my mind to something, I do it… so I went.
She was right, I shouldn’t have.
The second time I went to CT, the sober side of me started to see BMMB’s true colors. His unjustified cocky-ass qualities started to show as well as the balding, man boobs. This time I wasn’t so drunk so I remember most of my trip. The sex was actually pretty good. He made some strange noises though, not grunting but like a mmmunting noise instead. It was a mmhmm plus grunting. Strange. And I had to watch his boobs swirl around as a woman’s does. I imagine that when a woman’s boobs do that, it is sexy. But when a man’s boobs swirl about as if two raw chicken breasts were sumo wrestling, then seeing his face scrunch up like a baby pug… well lets just say I definitely wasn’t even close to having an orgasm then.
When that was over the only thing that could make it worse was waking up next to him. It was one of those wake ups where you forgot where you were and you do a silent “AHH” in your mind when you roll over and see who you are lying next to. Ugh being sober sucks. Drool down his chipmunk cheeks and snoring like a moose, it was sad on my part. Too damn bad I couldn’t leave until he took me to the train.
I was starting to get disinterested in BMMB shortly after that visit, so it was time to bring in Anastasia. BMMB came to my bar for a hockey game and I invited the girls. Anastasia was so unbelievably unimpressed that she couldn’t contain herself while talking to him. After telling him he was lazy and unimpressive with utter disgust on her face, she told me I was retarded and that was that. BMMB got mad at me that my friends were “bitches,” I got mad at him for something… who knows, I was wasted. So I made out with a random customer at the bar and that ended that.
-Alexis Patron
