I met, made out with, and gave my phone number to an Englishman a few weeks back ; ergo we are now in a relationship, according to him. Since returning to England he has made every effort to stay in touch: texts, email, gchat, phone, Morse code. I anticipate a messenger pigeon is on the way.

Our “relationship” could be quite romantic if he kept it to small talk and casual get-to-know-you conversation (and if his face wasn’t totally busted.) But he opted for dirty talk.

He has completely ruined dirty talking for me.

I fucking love dirty talking. Suffer through a long distance relationship and you’ll be a pro by the end of it. It just comes with the territory.

But I never asked for it with this guy. You make out with one Englishman while you’re bombed and apparently you signed up for weeks of absolutely pathetic dirty talk via the internet. Who would have known?

Since I am enduring this to ensure a nearly-free trip to London, I’ve noticed a few patterns in his technique, patterns that I think need serious improvement. His slang terms make no sense and lack sexy rhythm. A solid twenty minutes is needed to decipher his speech, and often times I find myself referencing google or, believe it or not, the dictionary. Nothing gets me in the mood like having to flip through a dictionary to decode “sexy” talk.

Take your seats my friends. Anastasia’s lesson on English “dirty” talking is about to begin:

1. Fanny [fan-ee]: If you thought your fanny is what you fall on after 12 shots of 151, you’d be wrong. A fanny is actually English slang for pussy.
   Example of English dirty talking: I will plow your fanny with my member after tea and crumpets.
   The American (and correct) way: Don’t leave your fanny pack at the park!
2. Blowy [bloh-ee]: Not to be confused with windy, chilly, or easily blown about; a blowy is slang for an English blowjob. Because nothing is sexier than telling the dude you just met at the bar that you want to give him a wet, sloppy “blowy.”
   Example of English dirty talking: You’ve been a naughty trollop and you’ll perform a blowy on me as castigation.
   American (and correct) way: The flimsy curtains were made of blowy material.
3. Fit [fit]: Adapted? Suited? Appropriate? Proper, becoming, qualified, or confident? Oh, no. Your new definition of the word fit is more closely related to someone who is “so fuckin’ smokin’ hot.”
   Example of English dirty talking: Fuck me! You’re fit! (I’m not making this one up. He actually said this to me).
   American (and correct) way: My personal trainer is very fit and hopefully she will kick my ass a few more times and I will look like her.
4. Ride the Merry-go-Round: This one blew my mind the most. Straight up: Euphemism for fucking the shit out of someone.
   Example of English dirty talking: I’d love a jaunt on the merry-go-round with the Queen Mum!
   American (and correct) way: Hold your sister’s hand while you take her on the merry-go-round!
5. Freepenny bits: I can’t come up with something witty for this because no one in their right American mind would ever even utter this phrase in public, let alone in the bedroom. A lesson to any male readers out there: never, ever, ever dub a female’s lady parts her “freepenny bits” without expecting her to think you are a complete creeper.