Filed under: birds and bees | Tags: alcohol, alexis, bali, bisexual, facebook, gin, husband, indonesia, marriage, men, ring, sex, wedding, wife, women, yoga
Well sort of…
Traveling is always so much fun. Especially when it is international travel. Going abroad to a new country allows for the possibility for the traveler to “let loose.” Well in my case I tend to “let loose” on any given occasion, but apparently found my recent trip to Bali, Indonesia an occasion to REALLY let loose.
I figured since Bali in on the other side of the world the concept of “what happens in [insert vacation destination] stays in [said location,]” to be incredibly true. How would anyone find out about what I did in Bali?
Damn facebook. That’s how.
With the technology revolution, nothing is private anymore. Everyone is bound to find out everything down to the tiniest little mistake you make while on vacation in a foreign country. Nonetheless…..I have an extremely hard time keeping secrets about myself actually secret.
So, of course in light of my new “marriage” I had to tell everyone.
I had a wonderful time in Bali. I was there on a yoga retreat, which was pristine. However, once the three hours of yoga wrapped up for the day… the drinking commenced. Obviously. No better way to regain burned calories than with alcohol.
The biggest drinker of them all? My yoga instructor. Ironic. So, I, of course, happily joined the festivities and purchased a bottle of gin for $2. Anastasia (the biggest gin whore of them all) is so jealous…
Mix my eight months of abstinence (not on purpose,) with a little alcohol, the heat of the equator and a plethora of flexible men doing yoga and you, my friends, have a recipe for fucking disaster. Luckily, all the men I met were gay. Well, at least I thought they were. Until one unfortunate night when I learned of their bisexuality. Queue hormones.
I did not have sex. I wanted to have sex. But no sex happened. So naturally, instead I spiritually married a bisexual man.
It all started when the Balinese thought that my yoga instructor, lets call him Yani, and I were husband and wife. So of course we ran with it and Yani referred to me as his wife for the rest of the trip. I thought it was all fun and games until the concept of “consummating” our marriage came up. I said I wouldn’t put out. (I haven’t quite sorted my feelings on sleeping with a bisexual man yet…) So my “husband” told me he’d be forced to take a second wife who would put out.
I became first wife. It was a fun game. Until I started to realize that he thought of me as actually “spiritually” being his wife.
It wasn’t solidified until he bought me a ring. Yes, a ring. We now have matching wedding rings that have symbols of the earth carved into them. He bought me this ring to symbolize our spiritual union to each other and the earth? Hell if I know, he’s a yoga teacher, it’s all spiritual.
I do not wear the ring on my ring finger, because I would like to get laid sometime, so I wear it on my index finger.
All in all, I did not make too many bad decisions, I only kissed two men, one of which was my husband, and I didn’t fuck any inappropriate people. I only got married, so I’d chock up this trip to a success.
Weddings in Bali are so much better than in Vegas.
-Alexis Patron
I’m a whore for facebook. Why isn’t there an option for listing your significant other as facebook itself: Anastasia is in a relationship with Facebook. It would be appropriate, since it’s the only thing I’d never get drunk and cheat on.
My story with the book is actually eerily similar to the way in which some of my relationships have started. Once the book was opened up to schools other than Harvard, the craze took over my school. People acted like MySpace and Friendster had never existed; they couldn’t sign up fast enough.
I, on the other hand, was a little cool towards it, as I am with most technological advances and lots of men. I’m old school at heart, so I do my best to feign interest in new phases.
I go through a pretty obnoxious phase with these techy things. First, I think of all the reasons why it’s a fad that is doomed to die quickly. Second, I make mental pie charts demonstrating the convenience of old tried and true methods. Finally, I cave when I see how convenient the technological advancement makes my friend’s lives. This last piece is the most crucial to my social life and or bank account, because this is the stage when I become obsessed and need to have it immediately.
The iPod, facebook, laptops, you name the product and I went through my process with it. I thank the lord I wasn’t around for the first open-heart surgery because I’m pretty sure I would have found a reason to pooh-pooh that as well.
It was only a matter of time with Facebook though. I fell head over heels. Before I knew it I was obsessed: purposely posing slutty for pictures I knew would make the book, writing on random people’s walls so they will write on mine, coming up with clever status updates. It’s a sickness; really it is.
Facebook isn’t really that awesome though. My boring job allows me to spend too much time on it, and now I know more about people I couldn’t give a shit about. I recently discovered the “hide” button, and thank fucking christ for that.
Sadly, before this great discovery, updates on the married man I dated were flooding my account. Why all of a sudden, after he appeared to have abandoned the social networking site, he’s updating his profile regularly is beyond me.
I just spent the better part of a half hour reviewing the married man’s latest activity. Feel free to judge my cyberstalking, but don’t act like you’re not guilty of it too. Everyone is.
Let’s discuss what my ex disaster has been up to lately:
He’s clearly gained weight; unfortunate for him but awesome for me. I can’t help but to chuckle because I have lost weight and toned up since I was with him. Yes, this is vindictive, childish and petty, but fuck that guy! He lied to me and, oh yeah WAS MARRIED but still dated me.
Speaking of married, looks like the wifepiece is back in the picture. She’s pretty! She could do a lot better, especially since his 15 pound addition and current quaffed hairstyle really don’t do much for him. But I must give credit where credit is due: he still has a beard and the beard has never been more vital to him, as it differentiates chins from face.
Status updates have alerted me to the fact that he has an now has an iPhone. This is pretentious and douchey since he was on verizon, thus I can only assume that he switched providers solely for the purpose of getting that fancy phone.
Is adultery a punishable offense? He’s apparently in some legal trouble and has pleaded with his hundred some odd friends to offer legal advice. Awesome.
Yikes, pretty happy I got out of that one when I did.
-Anastasia Beam
