Filed under: birds and bees, this and that | Tags: anastasia, dirty talking, england, humor, kate winslet, sex
I met, made out with, and gave my phone number to an Englishman a few weeks back ; ergo we are now in a relationship, according to him. Since returning to England he has made every effort to stay in touch: texts, email, gchat, phone, Morse code. I anticipate a messenger pigeon is on the way.
Our “relationship” could be quite romantic if he kept it to small talk and casual get-to-know-you conversation (and if his face wasn’t totally busted.) But he opted for dirty talk.
He has completely ruined dirty talking for me.
I fucking love dirty talking. Suffer through a long distance relationship and you’ll be a pro by the end of it. It just comes with the territory.
But I never asked for it with this guy. You make out with one Englishman while you’re bombed and apparently you signed up for weeks of absolutely pathetic dirty talk via the internet. Who would have known?
Since I am enduring this to ensure a nearly-free trip to London, I’ve noticed a few patterns in his technique, patterns that I think need serious improvement. His slang terms make no sense and lack sexy rhythm. A solid twenty minutes is needed to decipher his speech, and often times I find myself referencing google or, believe it or not, the dictionary. Nothing gets me in the mood like having to flip through a dictionary to decode “sexy” talk.
Take your seats my friends. Anastasia’s lesson on English “dirty” talking is about to begin:
- Fanny [fan-ee]: If you thought your fanny is what you fall on after 12 shots of 151, you’d be wrong. A fanny is actually English slang for pussy.
Example of English dirty talking: I will plow your fanny with my member after tea and crumpets.
The American (and correct) way: Don’t leave your fanny pack at the park! - Blowy [bloh-ee]: Not to be confused with windy, chilly, or easily blown about; a blowy is slang for an English blowjob. Because nothing is sexier than telling the dude you just met at the bar that you want to give him a wet, sloppy “blowy.”
Example of English dirty talking: You’ve been a naughty trollop and you’ll perform a blowy on me as castigation.
American (and correct) way: The flimsy curtains were made of blowy material. - Fit [fit]: Adapted? Suited? Appropriate? Proper, becoming, qualified, or confident? Oh, no. Your new definition of the word fit is more closely related to someone who is “so fuckin’ smokin’ hot.”
Example of English dirty talking: Fuck me! You’re fit! (I’m not making this one up. He actually said this to me).
American (and correct) way: My personal trainer is very fit and hopefully she will kick my ass a few more times and I will look like her. - Ride the Merry-go-Round: This one blew my mind the most. Straight up: Euphemism for fucking the shit out of someone.
Example of English dirty talking: I’d love a jaunt on the merry-go-round with the Queen Mum!
American (and correct) way: Hold your sister’s hand while you take her on the merry-go-round! - Freepenny bits: I can’t come up with something witty for this because no one in their right American mind would ever even utter this phrase in public, let alone in the bedroom. A lesson to any male readers out there: never, ever, ever dub a female’s lady parts her “freepenny bits” without expecting her to think you are a complete creeper.
In the spirit of Lady GaGa’s anthem “Just Dance“, I got fucking hosed this Friday. The beers are starting to add up real quick as I mentally tally the damage I did to my bank account (and liver).
The night started out celebrating a coworkers last day. While we drank in the back part of a bar that might double as a torture chamber after hours (red lit with whips, chains, saws on the wall..random.. see picture below), a couple of young English guys started chatting with us.
Seriously, wtf.
They asked heartfelt questions about the States and our customs. I should have been able to smile and give them honest answers, but I was drunk and thus had to fight the urge to scream “BLOODY HELL! RUBBISH! BOLLOCKS! QUEEN MUM!” in my best English accent.
I’ve never been abroad and never expected there to be much of a difference between the two countries, but apparently there is. They had their first Burrito ever in the states. They dined at such five star establishments as McDonalds, Taco Bell and KFC. They smoked miniature unfiltered American Spirit cigarettes since they apparently missed all 6,000 bodegas that litter NYC with Marb Reds. They tipped $5 per drink and then blamed us for making them spend all their money. Their biggest culture shock came when they showed us a picture of Times Square and were stunned that we not only knew what it is called but also where it is located.
As we walked to a second bar, my mind raced with questions to ask. I needed to know where they kept their monocles and top hats, if they are friends with such English icons as Mr. Bean and Austin Powers, and if their mums are like the women from the BBC show Absolutely Fabulous:
But most importantly I was the asshole who reminded them the whole night the they lost the Revolutionary War. Fuck yeah, America.
At the second bar we found, my friend and I felt it our my civic duty to teach our English friends one of most well-known and favored american pastimes: beer pong. They thought throwing ping-pong balls into plastic cups to be ridiculous, but they valued binge drinking as much as we did so our game commenced.
My ego still has not recovered from the beating it took when we lost.
For my next great American lesson, I took one English boy to the back of the bar and gave him a hands on demonstration of American slutty. When I moved his hands to my boobs, he actually apologized! Have not experienced that one before.
He texted me this morning, while I tried to caffeinate before work and asked, “Did you just use me for my Englishness? I honestly don’t care, you can use me all you like…”
Yes, guvnah! I certainly did.
Good to know I can get laid in London now.
-Anastasia Beam
