So I’m in this “relationship.” I have no idea how it got to be a relationship, because I have been trying to ditch him since the first date. I’ve only been on two dates with him and the reason I went on these dates is because he truly is a nice man and I wanted to be interested in him, but as it turns out… there just is not enough alcohol. I met – let us call him Earnest – at this bar I work at where they have swing dancing. I really enjoyed dancing with Earnest so I thought I’d give him a shot. So since our first bad date, I have tried many things to turn this man away without making him cry.

First date: Blues dancing. Never a good idea on a first date – think Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing.

_{us, date one}

Way too much touching on a first date, so I started off slow by telling him every tragedy I’ve faced in my life. He stuck around. I decided to step it up on the second date.

Date two, thought I’d give it one last shot: Attempts to turn off Earnest…

1. Made him go to four different restaurants before I picked one.
2. Made him pay once for the parking garage at the first two restaurants, then again at the meter for the third and fourth restaurant.
3. Stuffed my face with pasta, then told him I used to be 215 lbs… only 7 months ago.
4. Casually mentioned I was a hard core drinker/alcoholic and as I took a sip of wine, he asked if I was “recovered,” I shrugged and said “nope”.
5. Talked about all my best friends and some of the guys I’ve dated.

Other sabotage attempts:

1. When he mentioned he is ready to settle down and buy a house (he’s 12 years older than me by the way), I told him I never wanted to get married, settle down, have children or buy a house and told him of my plan to move to Santorini, live with my best guy friend and own a sea otter and take many Greek lovers.
2. I mentioned that I am straight up crazy and hard to handle
3. Flirted heavily with every other guy around
4. When he told me he wasn’t religious at all, I mentioned that I used to be very religious and I am in the process of finding a new church

Short of telling Earnest that I’m pregnant or making out with a stranger in front of him, I’m running out of subtle ways to get rid of him. I realize I could step it up and say that I’m not interested, but I was trying to let him down easy.

I even said that I prefer yoga to sex – and he STILL WANTS TO DATE ME!

I don’t get it.

-Alexis Patron