Asshole of the year

Asshole of the year

December 16, 2009, 10:52 am
Filed under: douche baggery | Tags: Alaska, alcohol, alexis, asshole, dating, New Zealand, roommate, yacht

Not too often do you get to award this reward to someone. But I found a man deserving of the title “Asshole of the year.”

The sad part is… I fell for it.

It all starts in the spring: My date with a kiwi.

He was sweet, worldly, entertaining, had a beautiful accent and liked country music. That to me = perfection! Except for the part that he worked on a yacht and only spent a few months here and there.

We went on a few dates, had a wonderful time and then he left for Alaska. He was in Alaska for two months. Of which during this time he emailed/texted me often. Naturally I thought he was interested and therefore I was excited for his return in September.

This man told me over and over how excited he was to see me and couldn’t wait to hang out… blah blah blah. I am usually smarter than that. I never fall for these types of lines. But for some reason they seemed to be true when they were spewing out of a New Zealander’s mouth. Lies. All lies.

September arrived. He visited me at work the day before his birthday. Everything seemed to be as it was two months ago. He said he had no plans for this birthday so I told him I would go out with him if he wanted. He said yes and that he would call me the next day.

No call.

I didn’t hear from New Zealander for three weeks. By that time I had gotten the picture of course that he wasn’t into me. I never called/emailed/texted him. I figured if he wanted me, he’d find me.

After three weeks went by his roommate stopped in where I bartend to visit me. Roommate and I had been good friends, so I was curious as to why I hadn’t seen him in three weeks either. He apologized and said he just didn’t want to feel uncomfortable around me “after all that happened.” What all happened??!! I went on a few dates with New Zealander and didn’t hear from him again. It’s not a big deal. It’s not rocket science. He’s just not that into me. I accepted that. What’s worse is the rest of the information I found out from Roommate. He was drunk and ended up spilling info on the New Zealander that he later regretted he told me.

Here’s what I found out:

-New Zealander=asshole

-He has a girlfriend in every port

-He wanted to make me his girlfriend in this port

-His girlfriend from Alaska just “showed up” and ruined his plan to do the preceding

-He was going to get rid of Alaska girl and then call me

I told the roommate that he could go ahead and tell the New Zealander that he never has to call me. I’m not interested in being one of his “girlfriends.”

Once we settled the fact that I’d never date an asshole like New Zealander, Roommate and I decided we should all be friends. So he calls New Zealander and tells him to come to the bar… with his Alaska girlfriend. That was fun/awkward.

So all was well. Hung out with New Zealander as a friend, with his girlfriend and all was well. That was Wednesday. Friday the girlfriend moved to Boston, all wasn’t well.

I was totally content being his friend. Until Saturday.

New Zealander and his roommate came into the bar on Saturday to salsa-it-up. They stayed the whole night. And consequently got a tid bit drunk. Roommate asked me if I wanted to hang out with them when I got off work at 2:30am. They wanted to go have a drink on their small boat (not the actual big yacht.) I said sure, you know, “since we were all friends.”

As we walk down the dock to the boat, Roommate pulls a fast one. He said he was tired and was going to bed. Smooth. I think he felt bad talking shit about his friend so he was trying to make it up by putting us together. Wow.

I said, no fucking way, and I decided to go home.

Or did I? Stay tuned…

Part two: Get ready…. RUN!!!

-Alexis Patron

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