I don’t know what hurt more, my pounding head or Kaci’s voice booming into my ears at 8:30am Sunday morning. I slowly rolled over on the almost flat air mattress to find Brandy sleeping naked next to me. Shit. What. A. Night. I definitely needed more sleep, but it was time for the post-drinking, breakfast, recap. Just to make sure we didn’t do anything too stupid. Or in my case… to determine how fast I had to flee town.

(To remember the craziness of the bachelorette party, read Vegas Story.)

It all began Thursday when I arrived in Montana to meet all my best friends/former college roommates in their hometown. A town that I had been to so many times that I am now an honorary town member. I know everyone… and I’ve kissed… everyone… no, only about 13 men from this town, including twins and brothers. So classy. Apparently my new greeting is to stick my tongue down your throat. Actually it’s not a new greeting; I’ve been doing that for years. It might be time to lock it up.

One of my best friends, Jill, was getting married and this was the big wedding weekend. All the girls I went to Vegas with and myself were the bridesmaids. Or as Jill referred to us as: her dysfunctional bridesmaids.

On this beautiful Thursday in June, I drove to meet Katie and Kaci in Missoula and then we were driving to their town. Of course I had to go get a bikini wax from my favorite waxer in MT so when I show up to meet the girls at the restaurant, everyone pointed at my crotch and thus began the nicknames… they settled on snapper delight. Which was my nickname for the entire weekend. Kaci was bringing her new boyfriend, so my first meeting with B was a little embarrassing, but whatever, wouldn’t be the worst thing I did all weekend.

After picking up the dresses and arriving in town, we all got ready and met at Kaci’s house for a Girls Night Out or GNO!! The girls, Kaci’s mom and Kaci’s boyfriend all hung out and decided it’d be appropriate to play kings cup, which included a few gnarly rounds of Never Have I Ever. And yes, with her mom. Man, as if her mom doesn’t think I’m slutty in the first place, now she has to find out everything?

Kaci’s boyfriend, B, got a little rowdy and ended up offending everyone, which was awkward, but he calmed down for the rest of the weekend. Surprisingly it wasn’t awkward sharing personal secrets with Kaci’s mom. It isn’t the worst thing I’ve done that she knows about. A few years earlier I had sex in her house and she found the condom. Yeah…

We hit the bars kind of late Thursday night and then everyone went their separate ways. Brandy and I stayed at Kaci’s house.

The next morning Brandy and I were awoken with Kaci and B jumping on top of us. B laid on top of me. A very intimate greeting from a man I just met the day before and wasn’t quite sure how I felt about him. He grew on me though, plus he and Kaci make a cute couple. After the morning steam roller wake up, Jill came and got Brandy and then Kaci, B and I went shopping and for morning bloody marys.

That was only Thursday…

It was a lovely afternoon, Friday, so after bloody marys I met up with Katie and Brandy for beers in the sun. Hopefully Jill wouldn’t be upset that her bridesmaids were drinking before the rehearsal! We hit the bar for a couple of shots before heading to the church… probably not the smartest idea as we got yelled at by the priest. He said that we better not smell like alcohol the next day for the wedding… oops!

Rehearsal went well. Then was the rehearsal bbq and of course more drinking. We had to call it a night early, however, because Jill wanted us at the salon at 9am to begin getting ready.  Yikes. Yes, Friday I behaved, didn’t take my clothes off, kiss anyone I shouldn’t, or offend anyone’s mother. That is more than I can say for Saturday…

To be continued…

-Alexis Patron